I have to say that believing in miracles was not something I ever thought much about in my life. But lately the word keeps popping up. Remember when I had that crash in the Breck Epic where I was left with a pretty serious but not critical head injury? I hit the ground so hard that the bruise on my left hip just disappeared a week ago… almost 3 months after the crash! When the doctor looked at my hip he said it was a miracle it was not broken. Randy, who was directly behind me when I crashed, also thought it was a miracle that I was able to walk away without any broken bones.
2013 has not given me many reasons to believe in miracles but yet I’ve refused to let life’s tragedies ruin me. Back in September I wrote about this in a post called Through darkness comes light. For the past 8 months I’ve been taking a leap that what I do matters, that things will work out and that I have a larger purpose to fulfill. I need to have hope for any of that to happen. Hope in life, hope for the future, and yes hope that miracles might occur.
Before Axel died Randy and I had frequent conversions about how blessed we were to have Axel in our lives. Axel was not planned and Kalden was to be an only child. Mostly because of time, money and other modern issues seemed to win out over having another child. But the universe had other plans and well that pill is only 98% effective and maybe it wasn’t quite used correctly that month. But we never looked back on having a second child and it was truly the best thing for all of us and especially Kalden. It was incredible seeing Kalden mature while teaching Axel and how much Axel learned from adoring and watching his big brother.
But two kids were definitely enough for us so when they delivered Axel via c-section I had my tubes tied. No more worrying about the pill as I was now considered to be permanently sterile. The procedure worked and was tested and signed off on by another doctor. No more pill for me.
But after Axel died being sterile didn’t seem so perfect anymore. Getting pregnant again was out of the question unless I wanted, and could afford, intensive fertility treatments. And at 40 years old it didn’t sound like they would be successful anyway. And I didn’t think I could handle the emotional stress that would entail. So I put it aside and went back to the reality and acceptance that Kalden would be an only child. And the three of us would live life to the fullest for ourselves and for Axel.
Then at the end of September I started to feel very off. I was tired all the time and after awhile I realized I never had a period. A few Google searches and I thought I knew the answer – pre menopause – how depressing. A few days later I find a pregnancy test in a drawer. I decide to try it since my doctor always warned me about the seriousness of a tubal pregnancy. Although tubals are 99% effective there is that 1% chance you can get pregnant and within that 1% chance is a 60% chance that the fertilized egg gets stuck in your tubes. Which is deadly. Then there is my age, the stress on my body over the past year etc…How could I possibly be pregnant? Menopause, even at 40, seemed more believable.
But I take the test and… it’s positive. What the $^$%! I call my doctor and again I’m told it’s not exactly time to celebrate. I’ve defied most odds but I need to be prepared that there is a 60% chance that now it’s only a tubal pregnancy which is not viable. I headed off for an ultrasound. Long story short they can’t tell yet but think since they can’t see anything in the uterus it’s tubal.
I wait three more days. Finally they see something and it’s in the uterus and at 6 weeks they can also see the heartbeat.
Wow! Hard to not think this is a miracle. Or maybe Grenzbegrifflich is a better word. I heard this recently and loved it. It’s German and describes that which is very real but is beyond analysis and description. If I try really hard there may be a purely scientific reason why I am pregnant. It’s possible, I mean I am not claiming to be Mary and it was not an immaculate conception. But deep down I know this can’t be fully explained using intellect. And maybe there doesn’t ever need to be an explanation.
Maybe it’s a gift from Axel, maybe it’s a gift from God, maybe it’s a part of Axel’s soul wanting to come back, and maybe it was just pure chance.
Whatever the reason we are truly excited, in awe, and happily awaiting a new addition in May! I do know that all off your support, prayers, thoughts, and genuine love are very real and very important. So please keep it coming and know it is always deeply felt and appreciated.